Heart Wrenching Lament

And so it goes this way. I am a nut. I do not deny that fact. I was a nut ever since I can remember. I was always different and I always LOVED defying odds. I was considered different since I was five years old because at that time I was already thinking. I can even vividly remember the time I realized I was different. Different in what? People may ask. In how I look at things. I don't profess to be intelligent or talented. But I do know I am capable of doing what I want to pursue if I wanted to. There's a constant need for answers inside me that it seems to be a never ending pit hole.

I spread myself too thinly. People have different opinions about me. Some people think I am a manipulative person who always wants to be pitied. So, as how I look at it when you show your weakness to someone in order to cleanse and purge yourself from the negativity that's breeding inside your heart is a sign of manipulation then I was better off without her.

I do admit, I fall in love easily. Most of the guys I fancy are assholes. And people may ask why do you end up with assholes? Because they are skilled in the art of sweet talking and there's a part of me, and I don't mean to generalize all women but most of us long to be spoken or held by someone who can make us feel wanted in a passionate manner. That's it. I like passionate guys. And passionate guys are as I realized are nearly non - existent.

Passion is when you fight about something but in the end you are able to agree how much you want to make things work between each other.

I do not wish for a perfect guy. I just wish to be loved and respected not because of my abilities but because the thought of my existence is reason enough for him to love me.

Admittedly, in my stubbornness in believing and giving chances to an opportunity I lost several people in my life. People who don't know how to hold on and just stand by when their friends' get crazy in their lives.

A lot of people are concerned of my well being. Who isn't? But boxing out someone just because in their definition you belong to that aspect is a bit unfair.

Who doesn't want a good ending? I do not wish for a fairy-tale or happy ending just a good ending in order to say I have lived my life to the fullest.

I lament the hurts, the grief and the pain I have experienced. And from this I become someone who will evolve into a much stronger individual who is beautiful from the scars attained from all those hurts, grief and pain.

And as always, I will let the tears heal my soul.


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